Lies.

One
I told you I didnt know the reason - When I know every reason
I told you I was perfectly fine - When I was falling apart
I said yes - When so much more was going through my head
I listened to your every word without opinion - When I had everything to say to you
I sat there night after night - And didnt spill a word
I honestly told you the truth - Just not all of it
I told you I knew what I wanted - When I was so confused
I told you I trusted you - I barely trust myself
I told you I wanted to spend time with you - When I really just wanted to keep an eye on you
I told you it didn't bother me - When it ate away at me for days
I told you its gone - It never left



Two
I told you I didnt know - When I was so sure
I told you I did know - When I knew .. it wasnt true
I told you I loved you - It was a slip of the tongue - a bad one

Three, Four, Five
I did it to you too - Through my actions
I tricked you into my games - When all they are is a facade

Six, Seven
I told you what I saw was fake - It was more real than anything

Eight
I told you everything - Except one important detail

Nine
I told you I couldnt - When I could
I didnt lie to you - But I didnt tell you the truth

Ten
I told you it was the truth - When it was the biggest lie I've ever seen
I told you it was sincere - When it was more fake than I could imagine
I told you every word was meant - When they were all lies
I told you it was real - When it was only real to you
I told you thats how it really was - When it was nothing like that
I told you they were wrong - When they told the truth
I've lied to you more than anyone



[I told you what I felt] [That was real]
[I told you my deepest darkest secret] [I couldnt make that up if I tried]
[I told you I didnt regret it] [I dont]
[I told you I cried] [I really did]
[I told you there's nothing to wait for] [Thats never been so real until tonight]
[I told you I want you to be happy] [I do]
[I told you my biggest fear] [That's still there]
[I acted on my feelings] [Those are real]
[I told you everything that happened] [And didnt leave out the tiniest detail]
[I told you eternity] [I mean eternity]
[I told you I couldnt survive without you] [I almost died while you were gone]
[I told you I was always here for you] [Don't ever think different]





But I've left so much out. You have the full story - with many missing pages

Forgiveness

for·give·ness Audio Help /fərˈgɪvnɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fer-giv-nis] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
2. disposition or willingness to forgive.
3. compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
4. the act of excusing a mistake or offense

So many definitions.
All meaning the same thing

Forgive and Forget

.. What if I cant
What if I've tried - for my own sake
And it didn't work?

What if we dont all have selective memories and remember most everything

What do I do then?
I guess I have to live with it.
How easy it sounds.
*sigh*

Its funny.
One is so quick to forgive
Until they start to doubt they're feelings

3. compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive

What if these feelings - got confused with another?
Something completely different
But with the same amount of - if not more - compassion

And when that feeling goes away - or simmers
You realize it was a mistake.

What do you do then?

For one has forgiven in time, and one forgave in haste. The one in time be its truest form. The one in haste, was nothing if not mistaken. One in haste does not completely comprehend, how one in time, managed to fulfill said task. For one in haste, believes he hath not, and now realizes, said mistake

[Now if you dont mind, the embers glow, and my battle begins again..]

I Wish You Could Understand.

If only you could've seen the intensity in her eyes.
If only you could've heard the passion she put into her words.
If only you could've felt how much truth was behind what she'd just told you.

Maybe you'd understand

The intensity in her eyes - burned with the light from an infinite amount of suns.
The passion put into her words - was more passion than you'd ever read about in any book, ever seen in any movie, ever experienced in your lifetime.
The amount of truth she put behind the words - Would've put the man who never lied in his life, to shame. Would've completely corrupted any lie detector machine, because it does not show that amount of truth

When she said forever [She meant it]
When she said eternity [She finally fully understood the meaning of the word]

This is how your life is going to go.
This is how its going to stay

She has good reason.
Trust her - even if she doesnt you.

"Forever" was up to you.
Now its up to her

[If only you could have been there]

My Kerosene Lantern

The battle of an Angel.
Another one.
But this battle.
It isnt against my opposser's
Its against myself.
Its a battle of ying and yang.
Black and white.
Night and Day.
I havent tried running from it.
For I know its pointless.
It will come to catch up to me.
It will chase me down.
Hunt me.
Until it finds me.
So I face it.
I face it head on.
But it confuses me.
And starts a war inside of me.
A war that I cant seem to win.
And Im battling myself!
I think I finally have it figured out.
I know who you are.
I know what you're about.
I know what kind of person you really are
I know how you work.
I know how you function.
I know what you're truly after.

And I despise you

But as the fire disappears.
I realize the battle is not over.
For I begin to battle again.
I am still aware,
of what kind of person you are.
What you really want.
Who you really are
But I feel this longing to be near you.
I have this longing to help you on your way.
Stop you from stumbling.
Make sure you dont go down the wrong path.
.. again.
I want to stop you from making your same mistakes.
Save you from that pain again.
Same others from the pain you inflicted upon them.
But I cant do that!
For I know who you truly are!
And I battle violently with myself.
Such a helpless cause.


I try to hold onto the feeling as the embers glow.
Instead of just when the fire burns bright.
But I start to hate myself!
And I begin to hate you!
I hate myself for wanting to hold onto that feeling.
But I want to despise you.
It would end the battle!
It would save me!

How selfish I am

The one thing,
that fuels my demise.
I love it,
for giving me that fuel.
And I hate it,
for giving me that fuel.
But it works.
All I have to do is go to it.
And I hate you.
I hate you to the core.
All my passion goes into my anger.
And I like it.

.. Yet I hate it.
And this thing.
I think I would destroy it - Were it not my life
I would crush in the palm of my hand - Were it not what keeps me living
I would absolutely obliterate it! - Were it not what I cannot survive without

But its the same thing over and over again.
As the embers burn.
I go to this thing.
I go to it to hate you.
I go to it to fuel my anger.
So I can sustain that feeling.
I go to it,
because I yearn to.
It happens so quickly.
I begin to hate you within seconds.
The words just jump out at me.
And my passion burns.
It burns so intensely you'd think the fire was lit.
But its still only the embers glowing.
I try to get rid of my passion.
Get it all out.
I try.
I try as hard as I can.
It never works!

But before long, the fire is rekindled.
And I dont have to fight for that feeling.
It comes on its own.
Its easier,
with the fire burning.

This battle is so filled with lies.
But the lies make me smile
The lies that keep the embers glowing.

If only you could see me as the embers glow.
But you never will.

For you fuel the fire

A Tree At 2 AM

Have you ever listened to a song so much, that you begin to lose track of where it ends? and where it begins?
You know, you just put it on repeat on your Ipod, or stereo, or computer, or MP3 player, and eventually, it just becomes .. immortal, I suppose. It just never ends, its this continuous train of the same notes, the same lyrics, at the exact same pitch in the exact same pattern.

I've done it :)

It wasnt even a song that had any particular history to me. It wasnt even a song that I knew every lyric to. It really hadnt even been on my Ipod for that long. But, it played at the right time, and gave me the right inspiration. So I kept pressing the back button on my Ipod so it played over and over again.

Around the fourth time through I remembered you can put your Ipod on repeat ;)
[Gimme a break, it was late, and I was tired - and blonde as always (A) *accepts Kit-Kat*]

So that song continued playing, it played through my whole night.
I had originally just planned to fall asleep to it, let it play through the night, maybe seep into my dreams.
But I dont dream much, just who I am.
Dont get me wrong, Im not complaining, not dreaming spares you from a lot of things. I am saved from the nightmares that haunt you 'till you wake in a cold sweat. I am saved from the dreams that confuse you and 'cause you to think about them for days. I am saved from those dreams that are so vivid and real while you dream them, but once you wake you can just barely remember it, and it annoys you to the core. I am also saved from those dreams, that you'd swear were real! You'd stake your life upon it! I guess in a way Im saved from a death wish .. heh'.

Not to say that I havent had one of all of those.
I've had a few nightmares - but not anywhere near close to the numbers most humans get. [And not nearly so terrifying]
I've had a few of those thinker dreams - they usually dont confuse me as much as you'd expect them to.
I've had a few of those dreams that I can barely remember - those, do annoy me to the core, probably just as much as you.
And I've had many of those dreams that you'd swear were real - In the dream , I even told myself it was a dream, tried to convince myself it was just a dream, but when I didnt wake, I believed it was real.

And then I woke.

So, I am throughly spared, having my mind work the way it does.
My subconscious appears to come out in different forms.

My music,
. My writing,
.. My drawings.

There's one piece in particular I've written, that I still dont understand.
Im sure I will someday - maybe.
But it just came out, instead of my brain telling me what to type, my subconscious did.
Its odd really - Realization.

Another thing about not dreaming, is morning comes much faster - sometimes I wonder if thats a good thing. I am temporarily thrown into a pit of darkness -I like the dark :), only to be immediately released by my alarm clock, or myself.

Anyways, my brain has appeared to have wandered from my original point.
A song, repeated with no ending.
So, as I was saying, I just planned to fall asleep to this song, but I lay in my bed for a while - only a few minutes this time. And that song suddenly caused inspiration. So I drew it , and the drawing grew, it became something totally different than what I expected - but still with the same core meaning.

Protection.

That song brought out a side of me that only comes out at night - when you're gone. When I live - for you see, I live, for the night. But thats a side of me that no one sees - except Emily since she lives here practically. [Even then, usually this self is expressed in notes, as it partially is now]

*sigh*
Again I have wandered.
Please excuse this, my brain is like those brain maps we have to make in school. It just expands to different points. The core, in this note, is the repeated song.

So, that song repeated over and over, echoed in my head as I drew the inspiration to the page, wrote the words that got deleted from the screen - better left in my head anyways. It continued on as I became bored and had a 2 hour war with Kimmy, edited my memories, poked away, and lost said war.

It traveled with me as I wandered my house, stared out my window, and eventually succumbed to sleep.

I still dont know the meaning.
"Only the artist.."

Well, I dont think my brain has any more webs left to go to that aren't blocked off for reasons known only to me - and more than likely Emily.

So I shall bid you a due, and once again give you kudos if you read this :)

Mercy

For You♥

You have become my crutch.
And I can't go long without you.
For if I do, I fear of falling.
I fear of hitting the ground.
Becoming covered in the dirt.

But I have fallen.
I have hit the dirt.
And I have been covered by it.
You weren't there to stop the fall.
But you couldn't help it.
I stumbled too quickly for anyone to do anything about it.

But you were there to help me back up.
You were there to brush me off.
You were there to give the push to keep on going.
You walked by my side.
You kept me company.
You listened to my problems.
And gave advice for if asked.

As you listened to my problems.
You watched my every stride.
And they became more graceful.
I began to walk with more confidence.
I held my head high.
And faced what was coming.

I did not expect to stay this way forever.
I knew I would fall again.
But I knew you would be there to pick me up,
and brush me off.
To listen to my problems.
And watch me slowly but surely become stronger.
And each time you pick me up and brush me off,
I stumble less.
You have to pick me up less often.
And my clothes become cleaner from less falls.

But you were always there,
For you are my friends,
and I thank you.

Please stay with me for my journey.
And do not leave my side.
And I wont leave yours.
I will pick you up when you fall down.
I will brush you off.
I will listen to your problems.
And give advice as asked for.
I will watch your every stride become more graceful.
I will watch you become more confident.
I will watch you walk with your head held high.
And I will be there to pick you up all over again.

I will still be there when you stumble no longer. ♥

As You Fling Yourself Into The Air, This Note Pulls You Back.

Say I'll be here waiting.
Tell me to make it through.

What if I've already made it through.
What if the biggest part of me making through was making sure you made it through.
And when it becomes painfully aware that you've made it through,
Im done.
I made it through,
the obstacles hurdled.
This is one race, I finally finished.
Its over, and I have nothing more to fight for.
Neither do you.

Time changes everything,
and promises are made to be broken.
So I stopped making them.
But the ones I have made,
the ones that are still being kept,
will stay kept,
if I have anything to say about it.
And I have everything to say about it.

So maybe I do have something to fight for.
I have my word to fight for,
and I will.
You, you have nothing to fight for.
You have nothing to wait for.
So you will be waiting for eternity.

Stop wasting your time.
Stop holding onto the past.
Let it go,
and live your life.
I made it through.
You can stop worrying.
Its over.
Its done.
There's nothing left.

I was told there was an end.
But I searched for weeks for that end.
Went over everything in my past.
Re-lived my life.
And there never was an end.

The End.


..never came.
So I made my own.
The Battle Of An Angel.